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In Stitches Over Non-Snitches

Mar 8

Posted by Faydra Deon in Questions | No Comments

Question:

I just saw you tweet that you used to teach 8th grade, so I’m wondering if you can help me.

I teach 6th grade in a low income and disadvantaged area. Many of my kids are not bad kids. Some of them do bad things, but that’s just kids.

Here’s my dilemma. When a student does something they’re not supposed to do,  I can’t get the other students to tell me who it is, and then I have to punish everybody so I can make sure the person who acted out gets punished. I don’t like doing this, but I can’t seem to get through this wall of silence and misguided unity.

I think these kids are mistrustful of me because I’m white and the majority of them are black and latino. I don’t like punishing all the kids. It’s really not fair to the really good kids who never do anything to make trouble. How do I handle this?

“Ms. Crabtree”

-the above content is copied and pasted verbatim from the original message-

Answer:

Ah, the adolescent “wall of silence.” I remember it well. It was one of the first battles I chose to fight when I started teaching.

My students seemed to have the “us (students) versus them (teachers)” mentality, so they started out trying to pull the “wall of silence” nonsense with me. I simply wasn’t having it. I also taught in a low-income, disadvantaged area. I guess the difference between you and me is that I’m black and so were about 98% of the student population at my school.

Having said that, however, you must understand that I shared an ethnicity with most of my students, but I didn’t share the same socio-economic situation with my students. I was raised middle class in a two-parent household where both my parents were college-educated. That does make a difference, even when it comes to sharing the same skin color, because I had to learn to understand the things with which my students had to contend on a daily basis.

It was that getting-to-know-them process that was critical to my breaking through their “wall of silence.” I had to learn what “snitches get stitches” meant in their neighborhood, and I had to help them differentiate between the neighborhood and the learning environment.

Right or wrong, this is what I told my students: you’re a snitch if you’re also involved in the bad behavior but you only tell on the other person/people and not yourself. If you’re not involved in the bad behavior, but you’re aware of who the culprit(s) is/are, you’re a part of the problem if I ask you to tell me who misbehaved and you say nothing. When you allow someone else’s bad behavior to cause you to receive the same punishment as them, they’re not being punished at all, because they’re not losing anything that those that were not involved in the bad behavior have gained. I believed 100% in collective punishment if I couldn’t get anyone to tell me individual names. They hated that more than the hated the label of snitch. My collective punishment was extra homework that became a part of their grade, and it wasn’t extra credit.

They didn’t start giving up names overnight. It took awhile (and several extra homework assignments :) ) for my concept to sink in, but it did sink in. I, also, made it a point never to ask my students to give me information in front of their peers. That helped break down the “wall of silence” even faster.

The biggest lesson I learned when working with children is that persistence pays. If you are consistently persistent, they will perform to your expectation. Don’t waiver and be patient. That’s my best advice to you. Don’t waiver and be patient.

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You’re Great in Bed, But What’s In Your Head?

Jan 19

Posted by Faydra Deon in Questions | No Comments

Question:

I’ve been in a solely physical relationship with this guy who is 11yrs younger than myself. Being that he’s been the only guy for a little over 2yrs now, it’s been really hard to keep the emotional part of me from getting involved. I now find myself wanting to get to know him on a more personal level but am 1) scared to my core that he’s just not interested like that (and I’m not yet ready to give up the physical part of the relationship) and 2) I don’t know how to go about trying to learn anything about him even if I weren’t scared crap-less. He’s very busy with school, work, and basketball coaching he does and I don’t want to add any extra stress in his life, but I really do want to spend more time with him other than just the physical.

I did ask him if we could just chill out and he seemed agreeable, rather he said that would be cool, so I think that if I did know what I was doing that would be a start.

My questions are, IF I am NOT crazy, how do I go about this? Does the whole age difference matter a big bunch here? Most importantly to me, HOW do I go about letting dude know that I’m serious about getting to know him more without seeming to push him into anything?

Thanks!

-name withheld for privacy-

-the above content is copied and pasted verbatim from the original message-

Answer:

First, let me begin by saying that you can remove age from the equation. I have a friend who found herself in the exact, same situation with a man 10 years her senior, so the information about age is moot. We’re not going to even waste time with that non-issue.

Forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I’m going to tell you the same thing I told my girl. You made a decision of the heart with your head, and your heart is finally having its say.

For two years, you allowed this man to have his cake and…well, you know the rest, figuratively and literally. You can’t just change the rules now and think things will be okay. I could be totally wrong, and you know I’m speculating because I don’t know this man from a can of paint, but I’m sure he’s quite comfortable with the way things are and have been. What leads me to believe that he’s comfortable with the way things are is that you say you had to request that you all “just chill out.” That request didn’t come from him, so that makes me think he sees absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship as it is.

Your guy has all the power, because you still want to be physical and you’re not ready to give that up if he doesn’t want to add intimacy to the relationship (yes, there is a difference between sex and intimacy). Your fear is holding you hostage in a relationship which your heart didn’t have an initial say.

You owe it to yourself to let this man know things between you, from your perspective, have changed. I suggest you say it to him from your mouth, because eventually your actions are going to betray you just as your heart has. He’s going to sense that there has been a shift in the relationship.

The best-case scenario is that he will reciprocate your feelings, and you all will have an opportunity to pursue a vertical relationship.

The worst-case scenario, and please prepare yourself for the good and the unfortunate, is that your feelings will not be reciprocated, and you will have invested almost two years of your spirit and energy in/with a man who gave you exactly what you initially requested; a horizontal relationship.

Whatever you decide to do, please don’t forget to remember to take personal responsibility for both your pleasure and (potential) pain. Many women are quick to blame men for doing to us exactly what we allow them to do. Make every effort to avoid bitterness toward this man. If you don’t avoid the resentment that can come from a situation like this, you’ll carry that into the next relationship.

My wish for you is that this thing turns out exactly as you’d like.

Thanks for giving me an opportunity to speak to your situation.

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Choosy Beggar

Jan 18

Posted by Faydra Deon in Questions | No Comments

Question:

i got a cousin who ca’nt work, is on disability and ca’nt really afford extra stuff, but she always got her hand out for something. I don’t mind hepling her sometimes, but she be asking for stuff and then when you give it to her she complain about what it ain’t. For example, she kept hinting at that she like my ipod, she wish she had a ipod, we could trade music if she had a ipod and so forth. i got a ipod touch. its real nice but i couldn’t afford to get her a ipod touch. i got her a ipod but it was’nt a ipod touch. when i gave it to her she say she like it but then she kept saying littel stuff like it’s nice but i like the one you got or yours got more memory than this one or why you get this color when you could of got my favorite color. i do’nt say nothing, but i want to. she do this all the time. i’m the only one who would even help her anymore. the rest of my family cut her off a long time ago if it not something she really have to have like food or medicin or something. do you think i should do the same thing as the rest of them?

Nanette, East St. Louis

-the above content is copied and pasted verbatim from the original message-

Answer:

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “beggars can’t be choosers.”

I don’t agree with that.

I believe beggars surely can be choosers.

However, if you choose not to accept perfectly, good gifts that I give you, I’ll return them to the store for a refund or give them to others who will appreciate my generosity.

You really have to decide whether your cousin’s complaints outweight your willingness to help her. If you’re the only one in your family who’s willing to do more for her than the basics, and she doesn’t appreciate that, maybe it’s time for you to follow suit with the rest of the family. Help your cousin with her definite needs and disregard her unnecessary wants. If, after a time, she notices that no one, not even you, is willing to go above and beyond, it may cause her to reflect on her past behavior.

I think the ultimate questions you have to ask yourself are these: Am I doing the extras because I want to or because I feel obligated? Will I feel badly about myself if I stop trying to fulfill some of her wants? What harm would it do to me or to her if I only help her with her basic needs?

Answer those questions for yourself, and you should have the answer for which you’re looking.

Thanks for giving me an opportunity to share my perspective. I hope this helps.  

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Copyright© 2009, Ask Faydra. All rights reserved.

Please do not use any of this content without first contacting the owner of the Ask Faydra blog and asking for permission to do so. Permission will most likely be granted if you agree to credit the Ask Faydra blog as your source. Contact permissions@askfaydra.com to make your request.

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You’re How Old?

Dec 31

Posted by Faydra Deon in Questions | No Comments

Question:

You dated a younger girl who’s intimidated by your age years ago. She decided that she can’t get over your age and doesn’t see anything except friendship. You kept in touch with her, and a friendship becomes very involving. Now, years later, she wants to meet you again and this time, your age doesn’t sound “bad anymore”.

Do you keep the relationship on a friendship level or do you try to kick it up a notch?

-name withheld for privacy-

-the above content is copied and pasted verbatim from the original message-

Answer:

So many people are quick to say, “Age ain’t nuthin’ but a number,” but obviously everyone doesn’t feel that way.

It sounds to me like this young lady had the presence of mind to realize she wasn’t ready for an involved relationship with you at the age she was then. Don’t see this as a poor reflection on you. See it as a wise realization on her part. Too often, young girls rush into being women, and they are not prepared to handle the consequences of that decision.

As far as whether “you keep the relationship on a friendship level or kick it up a notch,” my best advice is to allow things to progress naturally. Get to know this young lady at the “friendship level” first and allow time to dictate whether you “kick it up a notch.” You’ve waited this long, and you find that you’re still possibly interested in the type of relationship you had in mind to begin with. Take it slowly and go with the flow.

I’m reminded of the following song lyrics: “Don’t push it. Don’t force it. Let it happen naturally. It will surely happen, if love is meant to be.” (“Don’t Push It, Don’t Force It” by Leon Haywood)

Thank you for allowing me to speak on your situation. I wish you good fortune in your endeavor.

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Copyright© 2009, Ask Faydra. All rights reserved.

Please do not use any of this content without first contacting the owner of the Ask Faydra blog and asking for permission to do so. Permission will most likely be granted if you agree to credit the Ask Faydra blog as your source. Contact permissions@askfaydra.com to make your request.

Dragged Down by Drug Addiction

Dec 31

Posted by Faydra Deon in Questions | 4 Comments

Question:

My only son got hooked on oxycotin and since heroin is cheaper started doing that to support his habit. He’s been sent to rehab, goes to narcotics anonymous meetings but still relapses. I’ve typed out a final recap of our “verbal agreement” of which he’s failed in all catagories. I’ve assigned specific dates should he continue to fail these milestones in which he has to vacate this residence. I believe in the power of Jesus Christ and in him, and have prayed and will continue to pray. (I know I have a guardian angel watching over me. In fact, I’ve asked our dear Lord to send that angel to my son to help him!) My son is almost an atheist teetering on belief or non belief and normally towards the “non” side. I don’t know what else to do for him, other than be firm and tough, and walk in faith that someday – God’s going to win and he’ll be cured. Can you tell me what else to do? He’s 19, and of age. His addiction has been for 2 years or so now. I became aware of it a year ago. !
 Thank you, Faydra and please pray for us? It’s torn me to pieces.
God Bless you!

-name withheld for privacy-

-the above content is copied and pasted verbatim from the original message-

Answer:

First, let me begin by offering my apologies for the difficult situation in which you find yourself. I’m not a parent, but I know my parents have always wanted and will always want the best for me (and my siblings). It’s got to be a huge challenge to watch a part of yourself struggling through something as difficult as drug addiction.

Having said that, let me also say this: All you can do is what you can do. You can’t do anything other than that. If that sounds flip, forgive me, but that’s the long and short of the situation. It doesn’t mean you love your son any less. It just means you’re going to set your boundaries, and you’re going to stick to them.

As a believer in Christ myself, I can appreciate when you say you’re praying about this situation, and I want you to know that God has never forsaken those who diligently seek Him. The second half of James 5:16 says, “The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man (woman) availeth much.” Two things we must know as believers of Christ: (1) God is not a man that He should lie and (2) God’s Word never returns to Him void. Your effectual, fervent prayer will reap a harvest. Just don’t forget to continue to sow seeds of prayer and praise.

It’s important to remember that the battle isn’t between you and your son. Ephesians 6:12 says the following: ”For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Again, it’s important to remember that the battle isn’t between you and your son. If the enemy can get you warring with your son, and not allowing God to battle the spiritual wickedness that is actually the issue, he will steal the victory from you. Yes, set your boundaries and stick to them. As you said, your son is of age, and asking him to leave your home if he can’t follow your rules isn’t out of line, especially when you’ve given him every opportunity and all the support you can muster to help him beat his addiction.

In all your praying, please don’t forget about YOU. Praying for your child is definitely a good thing, but don’t forget to pray for yourself. Pray for peace of mind. Pray for wisdom and guidance for yourself, as well as your son. You have to keep your strength up to stand in the gap for him.

Yes, you and your son are on my prayer list, and I’ll keep you all lifted up, for sure. Thanks for giving me a chance to sow seed in your life, and thank you for trusting me with the knowledge of your concerns. God Bless You, also.

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Copyright© 2009, Ask Faydra. All rights reserved.

Please do not use any of this content without first contacting the owner of the Ask Faydra blog and asking for permission to do so. Permission will most likely be granted if you agree to credit the Ask Faydra blog as your source. Contact permissions@askfaydra.com to make your request.

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Keep Standing!

Dec 31

Posted by Faydra Deon in Questions | 1 Comment

Question:

Day to day I am stepping out on faith yet sometimes I feel inadequete. I see other ppl successful in the same feild I am trying to be in and I cant help but get in patient. Also I am under alot of stress concerning a move ,work ,my website and the most improtant person.my son and his changes. I am trying to do what is right for me and my made family but I feel lonely,rejected,conformed ,restricted and my creative juices just arent flowing the way id like.its coming I know it is but maybe you could shed some light for me

-name withheld for privacy-

-the above content is copied and pasted verbatim from the original message-

Answer:

I wrote a post on my Just the Messenger blog that seems to apply to your situation:

Note to Self: Deliver Us From Evil

When your whole world seems to be caving in on you, REJOICE. The enemy is trying to block a HUGE blessing that God has for you. If the enemy had already stolen your blessing away from you, he wouldn’t be attacking you as hard as he is. If God didn’t think you could withstand the onslaught, He wouldn’t put you in the storm. Thank Him for believing in you enough to allow you to go through the fire. Stand, because He’s right in there with you.

What do you say? Add your comment to this post.

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Copyright© 2009, Ask Faydra. All rights reserved.

Please do not use any of this content without first contacting the owner of the Ask Faydra blog and asking for permission to do so. Permission will most likely be granted if you agree to credit the Ask Faydra blog as your source. Contact permissions@askfaydra.com to make your request.

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Blogging to Improve Business

Dec 31

Posted by Faydra Deon in Questions | 1 Comment

Question:

I?m restarting my college recruiting service using my new blog what is the best way to attract high school student athletes and their parents. 

In the past I have use faxing and cold calling as methods to attract business.  But how can I better use my blog to attract business.  Thank you for your help.

@AlWoods

-the above content is copied and pasted verbatim from the original message-

Answer:

I understand your question is specific to your particular business model, but I’m answering your question is sort of a generic fashion, because the following information can apply to any business.

You need to find a way to drive more traffic to your blog. That means you need to find the social media sites that are frequented by your particular audience and develop a presence on those sites. Once you’ve done this, you can drive traffic back to your blog by creating content on these sites that link back to your blog.

Many people are under the impression that Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, MySpace, Flickr and a few other social media sites are the only places to find an audience. This is so not true. Try the following two resources to expand your social media presence:

Book: The Social Media Bible: Tactics, Tools, and Strategies for Business Success - Sections Two and Three are the most valuable parts of this book. In Section Two, there are 15 categories of social media sites and over 100 social media tools that you can read about and discern whether your particular business will benefit from having a presence there. Section Three helps you outline your social media strategy, so you can effectively use the social media tools about which you’ve just learned.

Website: KnowEm – this site’s main claim to fame is allowing you to check over 300 social media sites to see if your username is available. The site goes much further than that by allowing you to click on small thumbnail images to find out more about each of the social media sites they have listed. Again, using the techniques you will learn from The Social Media Bible, you can vet each of these social media sites and learn which will benefit your business.

What do you say? Add your comment to this post.

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Please do not use any of this content without first contacting the owner of the Ask Faydra blog and asking for permission to do so. Permission will most likely be granted if you agree to credit the Ask Faydra blog as your source. Contact permissions@askfaydra.com to make your request.

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eStalking Me!

Nov 24

Posted by Faydra Deon in Questions | 4 Comments

Question:

@faydra_deon,

your question of the day (My Question of the Day for 24 November 2009) hit home to me. this guy is really stalking me i think. i met him here (Twitter) and we tweeted a lot and i agreed to go…out with him. he was kinda depressing but i decided to give him a chance on the advice of another tweeter i trust. it didn’t get better so i…broke it off but tried to remain friends. now hes tweeting me and tweeting about me and he shows up at my place with gifts and i asked him…to please stop but he won’t i’m wondering if i should get a restraining order against him or what. i want to block him on here but i don’t know if that’ll send him over the edge or…something. i don’t know him well enough to say hes just lonely and clingy or that hes depressed and deranged. i don’t know if i should be…scared or not. i think i’m scared. yeah. i’m a little scarred (I think this is supposed to be scared). he hasn’t tried to hurt me or anything but i don’t know if he would if i try…totally cut him off. i read some of your tweets when you helped other people. what is your best advice?

-DMed to me on Twitter; name withheld for privacy-

Answer:

If you’re afraid for your safety, it’s better to err on the side of caution than to just tell yourself you’re overreacting.

If you have not ceased all communication with this person, even on Twitter, you may be encouraging him to believe there’s still hope that you’ll change your mind. If you have told this person very firmly, and without waivering, that you’d like to be left alone, and he hasn’t complied, you might want to consider taking things a step further and getting the authorities involved.

We live in scary times, and hoping and wishing things will work themselves out isn’t usually the best course of action. Like you said, you don’t know this person, so you don’t know his triggers. You don’t know the thing you may say or do, or not say or not do, that will send him off the deep end. Follow your gut. If you feel unsafe, even a little unsafe, please reach out to people who can help you deal with this. Also, make sure to keep a record of every kind of contact and your response or non-response to it, so you can show a history of this person’s actions if anyone asks for specifics.

Please be wise and be safe, inasmuch as you can help it.

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Aw-choo!

Nov 2

Posted by Faydra Deon in Questions | No Comments

Question:

Hi Faydra,

What is your opinion on the Swine Flu vaccine? 

They are offering the vaccine at my child’s school.  I am hearing so many opinions for and against.  What is your take?

Thanks so much, you rock!

-no name given-

Answer:

Goodness. This is one I’m going to have to defer on to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Check out the follow page on their site:

2009 H1N1 Flu (Swine Flu)

I will say that I’m for vaccination as a preventative measure, but it would be irresponsible of me to try to wax intelligent about a subject in which I have no expertise.

My amateur opinion isn’t what’s needed in this situation. Cold, hard facts need to take precedence when we’re talking about the health, and possibly the life, of a precious little one.

I hope you don’t see that as a cop out. I just want to be wise and not arrogant.

Thanks for thinking I rock. I appreciate the encouragement.

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Copyright© 2009, Ask Faydra. All rights reserved.

Please do not use any of this content without first contacting the owner of the Ask Faydra blog and asking for permission to do so. Permission will most likely be granted if you agree to credit the Ask Faydra blog as your source. Contact permissions@askfaydra.com to make your request.

Sucked In

Oct 29

Posted by Faydra Deon in Questions | 1 Comment

Question:

How do you keep from getting pulled into all the political talk on Twitter? I find myself in one argument after another with all these different people who don’t seem to be listening to each other. It’s frustrating, but I feel compelled to make my viewpoint heard.

-CS-

Answer:

I have a saying by which I started living several years ago: “It’s not always easy, but it’s usually simple.”

The simple answer: Don’t take the bait.

Of course, if it were easy to not allow yourself to be baited, you wouldn’t have asked for my advice on this topic. I acknowledge that it isn’t easy not to be baited, especially when you believe your point of view and/or perspective could truly clear up the entire issue, but it’s really simple when you stop and think about what’s going on.

Two subjects I don’t debate/argue about are faith and politics. I assert that both have some type of factual groundwork to sustain them, but it’s usually our emotional attachment to them that keeps us from being able to calmly and rational engage in peaceful conversation.

I try not to fight battles I know are hopeless. People believe what they believe, and most of them aren’t looking to change their perspective.

It seems to me that the folks who get riled up are usually the ones who don’t really know where they stand on an issue in the first place. They then end up trying to defend themselves more so than their faith or political point of view, because somewhere in the discussion they feel personally attacked. It stops being about the issue(s) of faith/politics and turns into being about the person(s). The real issue(s) get(s) lost in people taking things personal, and no one is listening to anyone else anymore.

If a person is really trying to understand your point of view, they don’t offer theirs in return. They may say, “Well, I thought this or I thought that,” to something you say just for clarification, but their sole motivation isn’t about trying to convert you or to prove you wrong. That’s what usually happens when you try to argue/debate faith or politics. At some point, it just comes down to who can yell the loudest (or type the fastest, since you say this is happening to you on Twitter). As long as your “opponent” can get you to concede, regardless of whether you believe him/her or not, regardless of whether s/he is right or not, that becomes a victory for the person who just wants to win.

For them, the victory is just getting you to back down and be quiet. They don’t care that they’re right or wrong, because it was never about the right-ness or wrong-ness of the issue in the first place. It was only always about being heard.

Check out my answer to Misunderstood, which will offer a little more perspective on your question and hopefully help you avoid discussions that bear no real fruit and leave you frustrated.

What do you say? Add your comment to this post.

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Copyright© 2009, Ask Faydra. All rights reserved.

Please do not use any of this content without first contacting the owner of the Ask Faydra blog and asking for permission to do so. Permission will most likely be granted if you agree to credit the Ask Faydra blog as your source. Contact permissions@askfaydra.com to make your request.